stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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