Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
