Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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