but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
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