You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
