My room smells like vodka and shame
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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