She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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