you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
