i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize