i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Is Oprah even human
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
