At least make sure they are 18
Why
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
