i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
