also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
