You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Of course I have a pirate flag
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
