It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
