We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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