you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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