so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
