Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Randomize
