wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
