cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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