My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
