somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
high people should be assigned attendants
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
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