Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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