Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
