This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
