Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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