Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
