Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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