I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
