I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
