Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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