can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
