Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
