I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
