if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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