There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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