Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Less talking, more tequila
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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