I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
