its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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