does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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