My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
