So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
