i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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