Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
