tonight lets celebrate not being married
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
