he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
