You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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