I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
