I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
