he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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